Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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