My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
