So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
