I wish life had little blips of pornography
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you had me at cake vodka
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
