you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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