just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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