o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
