I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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