Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
