I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
