good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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