wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
