i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
