You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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