A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
