Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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