last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
