I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
