just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
