I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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