just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
