Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
