worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
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Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
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You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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