Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
