I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
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Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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