the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
