i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Use "feeling words"
Yay
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
