she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
