I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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