Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
