I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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