I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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