I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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