i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
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I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
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i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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