My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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