Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
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He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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