I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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