Betty ford says i'm here all night
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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