none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
