so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
