it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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