You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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