I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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