where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
