somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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