I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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