I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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