hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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