I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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