but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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