she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
