it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
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Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying