i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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