Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
