My liver just broke up with me...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
