I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
