toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
