So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.