running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.