Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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