im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
