Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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