either way he was missing a nipple.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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